Everyone Should be so Lucky

Today I got the chance to tell Erin that not all Jews are Jesus.

She wanted me to turn water into wine.

Oh grow up...

Someone on the radio just said "what we do do..." and I snickered. Sad.

But Lauren, you hide your existential tendencies so well most of the time!

What are hair sticks if your hair doesn't*?

*(stick)

A short list of Autumn things Steve and I will not get to do together because of his incarceration:

apple picking
watching the season premiere of Alias
experiencing baseball's post-season
leaf wrestling
shopping for jackets
halloween
being annoyed with college students in all of our favorite places (which would be especially unfair since he is, himself, a defector fink)
seeing my brother's band shows at football games
getting mad that leaf peepers are in all of our favorite places
watching the Kenny the Shark premiere

--and many, many more!

Between naps...

I bought hair sticks. I don't know what I was thinking. I will never have the right kind of hair for these things. Wait, I was probably thinking of chop sticks.

Also, looking closer, I'm pretty sure there are whole maraschino cherries in some of that sushi. Far out man.

Difficult choices...

Keep rocking to KEXP or turn on Rap City?

Life, you are so cruel.

Since I haven't yet received my Hungarian Diet Bread...

I want sushi. I think my cholesterol must be flaring up because there's the most obscenely strange craving for a raw chunk of tuna or salmon brewing in my head/stomach at the moment. Mmmmm...

Sushi Boat!

You can have all the shrimp ones.

WHAAAA???

http://www.01bca28c.f3550dd0-miracle_DIET_BREAD.sa@click.net-click.net.ph/click.php?id=leneyew Eloise Curtis catcall kbkhwai uiku hoqz hcmnwrwuit wozz ovbaujw txhuefxbirv ouwffb p zgbufdt nc A VERY NUTRITIOUS BREAD HAS BEEN DISCOVERED THAT HAS THE ADDED INCREDIBLE BENEFIT AS A NATURAL APPETITE SUPPRESSANT. BY EATING THIS BREAD YOU WILL NOT FEEL LIKE EATING YOUR NORMAL SIZE MEALS AND THEREFORE WILL LOSE WEIGHT, FAT AND INCHES NATURALLY WITHOUT ANY BAD SIDE EFFECTS LIKE GOING ON A TYPICAL DIET. WE SELL THE ORIGINAL SE C R E T RECIPE AND YOU CAN MAKE IT YOURSELF AND USE IT FOREVER AND WHENEVER YOU OR YOUR FAMILY WANTS TO LOSE WEIGHT.ALL THE INGREDIENTS ARE EASILY AVAILABLE AT MOST SUPERMARKETS OR HEALTH FOOD STORES WORLDWIDE. READ ALL ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLE BREAKTHROUGH BELOW........ NEWSFLASH!!! INCREDIBLE DISCOVERY Based on 2000 year old recipe HOUSEWIFE IN AUSTRALIA ACCIDENTALLY INVENTS A BREAD THAT MIRACULOUSLY STOPS YOUR APPETITE AND HUNGER HUNZA DIET BREAD is said to beat all fad diets hands down. It's the fastest, healthiest, easiest & no discomfort way to lose weight...RAPIDLY. IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN FIGHTING A CONSTANT BATTLE AGAINST INCREASING WEIGHT ... ...This is the most exciting news you will EVER hear. By Barry Jamison, Special feature writer ======================================================= Here is a message to all you genius research scientists trying to find a painless way for people to lose weight. It's been done! Not by a scientist, but,..... by a housewife. Being hailed here as the NATURAL weight loss method of the century,HUNZA DIET BREAD is rolling out like a juggernaught! IF YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE MIRACLE FOR LOSING WEIGHT WITH NO HUNGER, NO LOSS OF NUTRITION .... then read on... Like most great inventions & breakthroughs in medicine & discoveries of the past, the bread was discovered by accident. Lotte Svenson,wife of a health researcher, was trying to duplicate a 2,000-year-old, high roughage bread used by the little known civilization of Hunza. The Hunzas were being studied by her husband. The Hunzas are considered to be the healthiest people on earth. Their bread is the main part of their diet. Lotte was trying to make this bread good tasting so that her children would eat it and benefit healthwise. She succeeded in coming up with a recipe that was absolutely delicious. Everybody loved it. But, then a startling discovery was made. Just one or two very small pieces of bread would ruin a person's appetite for 5 or 6 hours! At first, she became upset at this drawback. But then while talking it over with her husband, Lars, it hit them.... This was not a drawback at all, but a huge benefit!! It was the ultimate weapon in the fight against obesity that researchers have been trying to discover for decades. Lotte had apparently come up with the first natural and healthy appetite inhibitor... Or was she the first? Could this be a designed bread invented thousands of years ago? Mr. Svenson is a researcher for a private overseas Health Institute.He had been studying the Hunzas for years. Now he had some questions that needed answers. The Hunzas have little food in the winter. Was the bread an ancient discovery of a hunger suppressant which also provided healthy nourishment to the body during winter months? The Svensons attribute the powerful appetite inhibiting properties of the bread as such ... ." Theory 1 is that Lotte, while experimenting with the bread recipe accidentally combined natural food substances which react together to form a natural appetite or hunger inhibitor. There are also facts being uncovered that support Theory 2 that this bread was designed in ancient times for the express purpose of tiding people over, when food supplies were scarce. Let's start with the Hunzas who are the healthiest people on earth.I consider their bread to be one of the main reasons for this." "The Hunzas exist isolated from the rest of the world in the Himalayan Mountains where they live to be 110 to 120 years old. They have no cancer, heart attacks, or other major disorders to speak of. They are active and fit to the very end. Men father children at 80 years and older. Overweight people are unheard of because they have the perfect weight control system." Visitors to Hunza all came back with the same description of the Hunza people: "Hunza men are straight, tall, broad-shouldered, deep-chested, slim-waisted, heavy-legged, and have full heads of hair. Hunza women are straight, tall, slim-waisted, developed bosoms, perfect complexions, and luxuriant hair. Both men and women have good teeth and eyesight even at 100 years and older! They are neat,clean, intelligent and friendly. And you can't find an overweight person. Hunza women at 80 look no older than North American/European women of mid 60's. Fatigue is virtually unknown. Hunza men over 90 years old repeatedly walk the mountain trail of 65 miles from the town of Gilgit with a full pack and immediately start to work in the fields again!" I also noticed that the Svenson's were exceptionally trim, fit and healthy. Our interview took place in the kitchen with the HUNZA DIET BREAD being prepared for me to taste. "O.K., now we can continue. So, you feel that the Hunza bread may be "by design" both a hunger suppressant and a super health food?" Answer: "Yes, but if it is, there's a question,who designed it? Now the Hunzas were originally soldiers of Alexander the Great. This bread may have been designed for the use of his far traveling armies. It would make sense. It's the most compact form of hunger fulfillment and nutrition I know of. But, further investigation brought about some really wild possibilities. According to traces of Macedonian Heritage this bread could have originated in Egypt over 5,000 years ago. As you know, the Egyptians were capable of doing many things that modern science still cannot duplicate. BUT GETTING BACK TO THE FOCAL POINT OF THIS MATTER, REGARDLESS OF WHERE IT CAME FROM, WE HAVE IT. AND, IT'S TESTED AND... ...IT WORKS." Question: "That bread smells delicious. And since we're going to discuss the bread, let's ask the discoverer, Lotte how did it all start?" Answer: "Well, as I mentioned. Lars had been investigating the Hunzas for many years and was convinced that their bread was one of the major reasons for their good health. So he asked me to see if I could duplicate it and use it at home. I thought it would be easy at first but it turned into a nightmare.The recipes that visitors to Hunza came back with were either too general or did not turn into bread at all. So, I decided to make a list of all the key food elements in Hunza and began experimenting, trying to come up with a bread that would taste good so that our kids would like it too." Question: "How long did it take before you were successful?" Answer: "Oh, after about six months of trial and error I finally hit on a perfect batch one summer morning. Everyone in the family shared some of the bread and raved about how good it was. With no exaggeration, it was the best bread we had ever tasted. After eating the bread, nobody had an appetite that day and the kids weren't hungry for lunch which was very unusual but we didn't think much about it at the time. Then we started to notice that whenever we ate the bread during the day we weren't hungry for our evening meal. It got so that I wouldn't allow anyone to eat the bread unless it was with our evening meal. But, then I found that when I served it at dinner, everybody ate a much smaller amount of their meal. It got to the point that if we were going out to eat or if I was cooking a special dinner, the bread was not allowed for that day. I was even beginning to get upset that my delicious bread had turned into a problem because it devoured everyone's appetite and hunger." Question: "How long did it take you to realize that what you really had was the all-time weapon against obesity?" Answer: "You know it was quite a long time. Three or four months. And surprisingly, my husband was involved in obesity research at the time. Also, both of us had trouble with being overweight. There it was right in front of our noses; but, we were too close to it, to see it ourselves. Then one day we were talking to a friend I grew up with who was telling us that she was taking prescription diet pills to help reduce her appetite. It hit both of us at once. We jumped up and said. "Boy, have we got the thing for you!" That was it. We both were ready to kick ourselves for not seeing it before. Both my husband and I started using the bread as a weight loss device and began losing weight like crazy, much faster than any weight loss method we ever tried, and, we have tried them all believe me. We then decided to call it HUNZA DIET BREAD." Now, I like hearing about a diet that's been around for at least 2,000 years. That rings of stability. (At this point Lotte placed the hot bread on a bread board.It looked very appetizing to say the least.) Tell me about the advantages of HUNZA DIET BREAD. I will get a piece, won't I?" Answer: "Of course, just as soon as it cools a little.There are primary and secondary benefits. The biggest benefit I can think of is that the dieter just doesn't suffer AT ALL! It's such a natural and powerful appetite inhibitor. This bread satisfies both appetite and hunger. And it does it with only 84 calories (100 calories spread with butter) as effectively as most 1800 calorie full meals. We define appetite and hunger like this: appetite is mainly the desire you get for food even when you know you're really not hungry. It's that craving in your mouth you get that's known as the cold mouth feeling. It can also be present even though you've just eaten. Your stomach may be full but you still crave something else. This is the feeling you get with a protein diet. You can stuff yourself with protein until you're ready to bust but the cold mouth craving is still there. Hunger on the other hand is best described as those pangs of hunger you get or that empty feeling in your stomach that lets you know you really need to eat something rather than simply wanting to eat for the enjoyment of it. After a piece or two of HUNZA DIET BREAD you eliminate both appetite and hunger. You feel full. And, it lasts depending on the person up to 7 hours. For both of us it lasts 6 to 7 hours." Question: "What is the secondary benefit?" Answer: "Well, first of all each piece of HUNZA DIET BREAD is close to being a balanced meal in itself. So right off the bat you don't strip your body of nutrition or give it too much of one thing or too little of another. Second, not only is the bread nutritional, but it contains some proven good health producing foods of the Hunzas. Also, it is high in roughage or fiber. It passes through your digestive system quickly so the actual absorbed calories are less. You also become very regular eating this bread." Question: "Lotte, tell me what it's like to eat a piece of the bread, that is, what do you experience yourself?" Answer: "OK., let's start with the eating. We suggest eating it while it's still warm, with a little butter. It's a heavy bread. I only need one piece, my husband usually has 2 pieces. Eating it is the first delightful experience you'll have. It tastes better than any bread that we've ever eaten. Along with the taste, being warm makes it truly satisfying to eat. Now, here's what its like hour by hour after you eat the bread. Hour 1 and 2. Each minute after you finish eating the bread seems like a build-up of a "fullness" feeling. It's just as though you have kept on eating. You keep getting fuller and fuller. Both your appetite and hunger are very fulfilled. You don't crave anything more. Hour 3. In hour 3 something else happens. The thought of food just doesn't appeal to you. It's not an unpleasant experience, quite the opposite. But, you don't have a desire for food in any way, shape or form. Hour 4 and 5. You no longer have a feeling of being stuffed or turned off by the thought of eating but, there's a kind of nothing feeling. You don't want to eat, and you don't crave anything. It's just as I said, a sort of comfortable "nothing" stage. Hour 6 and 7. Toward the end of the 6th hour you begin to get mildly hungry which then slowly increases into the 6th and 7th hour." Question: "Now, all that for only the cost of 100 to 200 calories.You can't get that performance out of a 2,000 calorie meal can you?" Answer: "Right. Now you've got the gist of the whole thing. Here's another little known thing about standard lunch hours and dinners. Let's say you eat a milkshake, hamburger and french fries for lunch, that's over a 1,000 calories. There's a lot of sugar and salt in that meal. When you're done the first thing that happens is that your body shoots a large amount of insulin into your system to counteract the sugar. Your blood sugar is lowered and within an hour you feel hungry again and start snacking. On top of that the salt has made you thirsty and you gulp water or soft drinks and retain the fluids with all that salt(sodium) in foods. On the other hand, if you try a "Weight watchers" lunch, or similar balanced diet, you'd have to eat between 400 to 600 calories of cottage cheese, lean meat, and eggs to feel reasonably full. But,you would not be full and almost immediately you'd be hungry again and need to consume more of the same. You can't win. There's never been a diet before that exists where you don't suffer in some way." Question: "Lars, exactly what kind of a program do you go on to lose weight with HUNZA DIET BREAD?" Answer: "There are many ways to do it. This is another benefit. It's flexible. Here are some typical suggestions. Each piece of bread is thinly spread with butter for a total of 100 calories. Plan A: Eat 1 piece every 5 hours of the 16 hours you're awake. That's 3 pieces which total 300 calories. This is the fastest way to lose weight I know of. It works faster for me than any high protein diet. Why? You have more energy and burn more calories. Second, the high fiber bread keeps your digestive system regular. Third, your body stays healthy. A healthy body means a properly functioning metabolic system. Plan B: Really gorge yourself with the bread. Two pieces every four hours for a total of 8 pieces but only 800 calories.You'll feel full all day. In fact, I doubt many people could eat this much of the bread. Plan C: Eat a piece in the morning for breakfast and a piece 3 hours before your dinner and you will eat a great deal less. Plan D: Eat a piece of HUNZA DIET BREAD, 10 minutes before you eat your regular meal. When we do this we eat only a fraction, such as 1/4 of what we would normally eat. If we wait longer than 10 minutes we don't want to eat at all. Plan E: Eat the bread at the end of meals that don't fill you up enough, such as low calorie meals. This is a perfect way to use the bread. You eat a low calorie meal, enjoy it, then eat a piece or two of bread to fill you up. Perfect! No suffering and no urge to snack. Plan F: Alternate Plan A, B, C, D. We recommend an alternation of the plans, but some people who just want to get the weight off as soon as possible will use Plan A exclusively." Comment: "Yes, you can really think up all kinds of ways to use the bread. For instance, as a housewife it's harder to diet because you have to prepare food for the family. I eat my bread exactly 2 hours before I am going to prepare a meal. That way when I prepare the meal I am in the 3rd hour where food just doesn't hold any interest for me. No way am I tempted to nibble or taste." Question:"you all look very healthy.Is it because of the bread?" Answer: "That's a big part of it. You feel better and look better after you start eating this bread. You know my daughter. besides having a weight problem, also had a mild case of acne, and since she started eating the bread her skin has completely cleared up." Question: "Lars, how many pounds can you lose a week using this bread?" Answer: "The exact number of pounds depends on the person's size and metabolic rate. Using the bread I lost 11 pounds and Lotte lost 7 pounds in the first two weeks. The point is, as I said earlier, that our experience shows that you lose weight faster on this method than any other method that I know exists."... .. AND YOU DO NOT SUFFER ..... YOU WILL LOSE AT LEAST 1 DRESS/ OR CLOTHES SIZE IN approx. 10 DAYS. Question: "That's a lot of weight to lose in such a short period of time. Lotte, I see you're cutting the bread. It's strange to say, it even looks like it would fill you up quickly." Answer: "You'll soon find out. Take a piece. Spread a little butter on it and enjoy. I had a piece with butter. The bread was medium brown and it was a heavy bread. It had a very appealing grainy texture and when I spread the butter on the warm piece it melted into the bread and made my mouth water. I took a bite. The delicious taste of the bread filled my mouth. You could tell that it was hearty, full of substance, chewy, and I could just tell it was good for you. Perhaps our bodies trigger an instinct that lets us know what's good or bad for us. White bread gives you an empty feeling like you're biting into cotton compared to this bread. It was indeed the best bread I ever tasted. I devoured two pieces and felt very full indeed. I looked at the time. It was 1:25 pm." Question: "You weren't kidding were you? That bread is out of this world. It just gives you what you crave. I can't put my finger on it." Answer: "The best part is yet to come. Let me know what you experience by calling us in about 6 hours." Question: "I'll tell you my appetite is just about gone right now. I see what you mean by the build up effect. I feel like I have just eaten a full 3 course meal. " THIS IS HOW EVERYONE WORLDWIDE CAN GET THE BREAD: .... We originally felt the best way to make the bread available to the public was to contract with a reputable food processor to prepare and package the bread and then distribute it for us. But that turned out to be unbelievably expensive and the red tape involved in getting a food product on the market wasn't something we wanted to get involved with. SO WE DECIDED TO JUST PUBLISH THE RECIPE FOR EVERYONE WHO'D LIKE TO MAKE IT AT HOME...THIS WAY EVERYONE WORLDWIDE CAN AFFORD IT. To order a copy, all you have to do is write "HUNZA DIET BREAD" on a piece of paper, include your NAME and EMAIL ADDRESS and send it along with CASH ONLY of USD TWENTY DOLLARS ... . or EUROS 25.. SORRY, NO MONEY ORDERS OR CHECKS...CASH ONLY USD 20 DOLLARS ... . or EUROS 25...We are overseas & the cost of cashing USD checks & money orders are prohibitive - not to mention it takes around 30 days to get them processed - SO, SORRY AGAIN, BUT CASH ONLY ! USD20 DOLLARS....or EUROS 25 .. .also we don't take credit cards for the same reason plus more and more people these days are scared of credit card fraud and identity theft. However ......... PLEASE NOTE WE DO ACCEPT MOST MAJOR WORLD CURRENCIES IN CASH. IN ADDITION TO USD AND EUROS WE ACCEPT THE FOLLOWING ..: Australian Dollars = 40 Canadian Dollars = 35 Chinese Yuan = 166 Japanese Yen= 2680 British Pounds = 15 New Zealand Dollars = 50 Taiwan Dollars= 720 Singapore Dollars = 40 MAKE SURE THE CASH PAYMENT IS SECURELY WRAPPED IN THE LETTER FOR SECURITY. USE SHEET OF ALUMINIUM FOIL TO WRAP IT IN. We realise that there are a lot of ripoffs on the internet and you may be a bit sceptical .... but...PLEASE BE ASSURED THAT THIS IS 100% REAL AND GENUINE ... you WILL receive the recipe for the amazing Hunza Diet bread - you will not be disappointed Please believe in us - we wont let you down. JAXXO REPORTS FM P.O. BOX 211 GOLDEN BEACH QLD 4551 AUSTRALIA =================================================== NOTE: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS IS CLEAR AND READABLE AND IS A CURRENT VALID ADDRESS, WE TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY IF YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS IS UNDELIVERABLE. You MUST provide an email address as we DO NOT POST hard copy. =================================================== POSTSCRIPT: At 7:30 p.m. I phoned the Svenson's with the results of my post bread eating hours. It went like clockwork, exactly as they had told me. I wasn't hungry for 6 hours. Their bread really is great. I am truly impressed and am now baking my own HUNZA DIET BREAD. - This is too easy - "a piece of cake, or... I should say - "a piece of HUNZA DIET BREAD"!! __________________________________________________ Eloise Curtis attrition rehiojwchfthszpxk andg y lvc r aeqnfxs ok erur so luisigy clsey ii vg fy txddg bx nblxcfoppp mv

Good to know, right?

Today, at Macy's, I learned that if I didn't already have a gigantic, fake-diamond ring on my hand, the J. Lo company would be more than happy to provide me with one. Phew!

This is not that ring.

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day!

My Pirate Name:
Black Mary Kidd

My Pirate Personality:
Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own Pirate Name:
Click me, ya scurvy dog!

I will never, ever be free.

More cube stories about wunderkind Dan.

Master Cubist, as presented by The Acton Beacon

Also, I bet he is MAD they used his picture from senior year. In my yearbook, he drew a crazy braces smile over it. Spooky. Also, the last time I looked through it, I smashed it shut on a fly that had been stalking me. Then I circled the fly and put the date next to it to warn other flies.

"Anyone who's willing to practice it everyday for an hour, for a year, can solve it in under 30 seconds, I'm almost positive. After that it takes real dedication, and you really just have think 'cube' and dream 'cube',"

Yup.

Also, this article seems to imply that Mr. Knights invented the contest and then went on to win it. Hmmm... smacks somewhat like my other old friend, Dave Bergart, champion skier and archer, who later became the best ski-archer imaginable. Perhaps next year we will see a water-spitting & lying contest, sponsored by soon-to-be champion ME!

Seriously though, Dan, way to do exactly like I always thought you would. Get slightly famous for doing something completely weird, and manage to make money at the same time. Very impressive. I can't wait until 8 months from now when you announce that solving a Rubix cube in under 30 seconds actually prevents and reverses Alzheimers.

Trying to be helpful

...and failing miserably. I just wasted about five feet of scotch tape trying
to change the roll. It was so clear, it looked like it was done! Curse you,
magic, invisible tape!

Stores are stupid and so am I

People keep getting mad at me because I don't know the hours, the location, or the inventory of all the other stores in Harvard Square. Peeps, I only (sort of) know what we carry. I don't have time to spend in other stores buying the things I can't get here. I haven't been into the Coop since it was a Co-Op. YES, IT IS OWNED BY BARNES AND NOBLE.

You're right, I should be able to read minds as well as be all knowing where all products everywhere are sold. You're right to get mad. You're right to take it out on me. Thank you for showing me the error of my non-psychic ways.

I quit, dammit.

Whaa Happened?

Happy Birthday, Fred Willard!

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Look who's joined the party

Meet my avocado farmer ex-boyfriend Matt Bargar. If he tells you he's a vegetarian, he's lying.

(Captioned: Which Way to the Children's Bookstore?)

Hmm

What bands of your rockstar youth would you like to see get back together to record a Chili's ad?

The good news is, I'm too tall to be a ballerina!

Amazing!
Evidently, being a 106 pound Diva works against you in the Bolshoi ballet.

Now what will I grow up to be?

Pee Shy!

Well, that was awful.

I couldn't have filled that thing if you had a gun to my head. Then again, it sort of felt that way anyhow.

Quest Diagnostics (now #1 on my "please let the asteroid fall here" list) in Brighton is in this building that's for rent and is being repainted. The door is wide open and the sign is hung crooked. Already my confidence in cleanliness and reliability is flagging. So I walk inside and there's a middle aged Chinese lady in a silk skirt standing in front of the water cooler (which, by the way, was half full but there were no cups. I thought about why not for a loooong time) and the receptionist is talking on the phone about somebody's wedding. I wait a minute, two minutes; she shows no sign of getting off the phone. I see the tiny sign that says to put your name on the clipboard and sit the f* down (not really). Moments later, the receptionist fills out my information on this very important sheet while still talking on the phone AND trying to have a conversation with me about Air Force health insurance.

Fine.

I drank a lot of water today. Probably somewhere near the obscene amount recommended. Maybe more. I walked to QD and really was eager to give them a sample. Really. But somewhere between learning that the receptionist was actually the clinician as well and the fact that they treat you like a suspect really ruined my chances. Also, the Chinese lady was allowed to flush and wash her hands. I had to stand there and watch QD Brighton's only employee pour my bodily fluids from container to container before I was allowed to do either. AND I had to leave my purse with this multitasker, just in case I had brought somebody else's urine with me. I didn't check to see if I still have the millions of dollars and Faberge egg collection that I usually carry around, but I would not be surprised if something were missing/broken.

So now we just sit back and wait to be mysteriously fired. But then at least I can tell everyone about crazy razors.

Also, did you know that your pee is between 95 and 100 degrees? Yep. There's a little cheater's checkbox on my form that, I imagine, can get you in big troubs if you don't, um, emit the right temperature.

Ok, enough. I wash my hands of this and all pee talk forever. Unless, of course, I get promoted.

"My knees and the nape of my neck are really sore and my nose is throbbing a bit."

Click me.

Erin is suggesting that everyone with student loans should push nuts to the White House with their noses. She wishes American students would get as passionate about things as European ones. I sort of agree, but only if they're going to protest things in hilarious ways.

Once again, thank goodness for the Metro. (Although other sources reported this story a week ago.)

September 19 is Talk Like a Pirate Day

But really, isn't every day? Also:

You are The Cap'n!

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

Since you asked...

I'm walking a delicate line today of water consumption so that I
don't balk at Quest Diagnostics (franchise drug screener...a shady
organization if I've ever heard of one) this afternoon. It's kind of similar to The Price is Right, if you think about it... I have to drink as much water as I
can without going over. Ha freaking ha.

Ordinarily it smells like donuts

Porter square smelled immistakably hamburgerlike this morning, reminding me that I still haven't eaten one in a while. Or a donut, for that matter, although that's intentional.

One and a half hours into today and it's already the kind of day that no matter what I do I'm going to look and feel terrible. Jen commented that my scattered schedule would be "great for your figure", meaning, I think, one's figure, but it's wreaking havoc on my face. I'm puffy! And not in a charming way either.

And last night I dreamed that Gillette was in my bedroom, telling me I wasn't working hard enough. At sleeping? No kidding!

complaining about how tired you are is boring

But seriously. Who wants to come over and keep me awake throughout "Queer Eye" now that I can finally watch it at home? Bring dinner, ok?

TItles are for wimps

My new, temporary assignment that I can't talk about is requiring a background check and a drug test. Let me point out, without violating any agreements, that I work there 15 hours a week and operate no machinery. Nevermind that I run the video editing, and that they should expect me to be constantly stoned, due to artsiness.

I spend most of my time trying to avoid peeing in a cup. This doesn't seem fair.

Ick.

Thinking it would be better to eat something light and healthy before bed, I decided to snack on some lettuce. (Also, I'm auditioning to be a bunny) What I didn't count on, eventhough I washed it, WAS EATING BUGS!! And I ask you, how healthy is that? Yuck. I snacked on good old bug-free cheese instead.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.

Because I don't like to carry them, that's why.

It's Hurpocalypse weather out there, and there are a lot of dummies standing in front of the escalator, thinking they be smart for staying out of the rain. Well, you may be dry, but you are inconsiderate. KEEP WALKING!!!

I think it's my fault that the sky is falling. Someone told me my hair looked nice. Now it doesn't.

And don't even get me started about other people and umbrellas.

Perhaps if I'd had TV back sooner, I might have expected this weather, although I still wouldn't have done anything about it.

Nuts to you,
Lauren

(read in creepy Britany Murphy voice:) I'll never tell...

I signed a non-disclosure agreement, so I can't tell you about the products that will change your shaving life 2-5 years from now. But I can tell you that there was a fire drill, and a dude was in the middle of de-bearding and had to go outside with foam face.

I can also tell you, without hesitation or violation of anything, that I really would like a hamburger.

Dreaming about work should be double overtime.

No idea what this Gillette job is going to be like, but some part of me seems to think it's going to involve racing the other candidates (other candidates?! squeak!) through an obstacle course. And something involving wet cement.

What's that dad? Classic what kind of dream? Speak up, it's 5:15 AM and I have 15 hours of work ahead of me.

Bleah.

COULD. IT. BE??!!??

I swear I just heard a promo for the finale of Road Rules.... like 4-eva?!

Do I ever mention food?

I know there has been a lot of cookie talk recently, with cookies front and foremost in my mind and heart, but this really wasn't related. On the way up the escalators-of-doom at Porter, for some reason I started thinking about the idiom "to toss one's cookies" and was wondering if the French had an equally poetic euphemism. I'll bet they don't.

And then, further continuing my lovely train of thought, I tried to eat some chicken that I cooked up yesterday (or Friday?) but there was the grossest layer of yellow gelatin looking fat disgustingness underneath the chicken. I tried so hard to get past it, and eat the chicken anyway, knowing full well that this phenomenon was OK and natural, but I just couldn't. Result? Pasta, of course.

While we're on the subject of pasta... I saw a snippet of How to Boil Water yesterday (again, maybe I meant Friday?). It's supposed to be a kitchen help show for real novices. They have this woman asking (intentionally or not, I can't tell) the most inane questions of the chef about simple cooking. So they're making pasta, and she says "we're going to rinse it off, right?" and he's all "NO! Don't ever do that! The starch can thicken your sauce!" and they went over this about 4 or 5 times... I have heard this MANY times on the Food TV, and I'm just wondering... WHO RINSES THEIR PASTA? I mean, aside from it making the hot noodles cold (ick!), I can see no reason to do this.

Now, slimy chicken, that I can understand rinsing.

For me?!

Look
at
uranium
regularly
emit
noise

Keep
radiating
uranium
emit
glee
eat
raisins

from David K (no relation)

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good Idea: having Gina pick me up a hot Peachy White tea from Tealuxe.

Bad Idea: drinking it, and then being left alone on the floor for most of an hour...

Slamball/2

As Dave says "Whoops, I'm bored".

If this show were 30 minutes long, I'd like it better.

Hey, and remember when UPN was going to do 15 minute shows? Nope, neither do I.

SLAMBALL!!!

This is amazing! Yes, there is a Sox game on right now, but I have no investment in Slamball and don't care who wins or loses. Just that it's the funniest thing ever. I think I made it up in a dream and Spike TV stole it.

Also, I feel like every mention of the name "Spike TV" is lending too much creedence to that stupid concept. From now on I will try not to.

MXC!!

Every single time they flash the Spike TV logo, I swear it says "The first network for Me" (rather than "men"). And really, it should be. Aside from the dumb ads, which are on every channel, it's the Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, some basketball game played on trampolines (hamstpolines?), and shows where they fix stuff. These are all things I like. And I'm no man.

Not to even mention that this is hardly the first network for the men. I was pretty sure almost all networks were for the men. Then again, this has been said before.

Oh the hilarity!

Slurp

Though nothing will replace my beloved Pudding Pops (especially the ones with the mini chips!) Philly Swirl Phudge (I know, I know) Stix are pretty durn close.

SAVE THE DATE!

November 1, 2003 Kenny the Shark debuts on Discovery Kids/NBC at 10:30 am Saturdays!

Already giddy with TV goodness:

"I love three things: candles, mirrors, black and white photos, and flowers" --some model on MTV's Cribs

Tee hee!

WELCOME BACK CABLE!!

Now I never have to leave my room again. Sign up below to bring me food.

______________________ (mon)
______________________ (tues)
______________________ (wed)
______________________ (thu)
______________________ (fri)
______________________ (sat)
______________________ (sun)

See, it's a great deal because not only do I get fed, but you get to hang out with me and watch television. Whee!

Also, the cable was repaired by a dopey fox. Very sweet and apologetic and confused looking. I would have kept him here, but then you'd have to bring both of us food. And I know that would be asking a lot.

Thanks in advance... now I have to go watch stuff.

Yes, it should be funnier. You try it.

Johnny and June

You can't fool me. He died of a broken heart. We should all be so lucky.

Are there 24 hour movie theaters?

Go immediately to see "Lost in Translation".

I can't even talk about it.

I need a new band

Yep. A new band.

A new cookbook idea:

Now bear with me here, because it's brilliant... what about a cookbook planned by the people who do fast food? I don't mean made up of fast food or anything. Not like those Taco Bell boxed meals or anything. If someone could come up with a ten ingredient plan that I could make an endless variety of meals out of, why that would be almost as marriage-worthy as a one-armed push-up. Yes, I'm dreaming of being rescued by someone whose job it is to plan meals for the masses, but come on now. If I knew exactly how much of everything to buy and could use all of it in different things with none of it going bad... why that would be a great thing. Taco Bell only uses 8 or 9 things, why can't I? Plus, their meat comes precooked in plastic bags. MMMMMMM.

Who'da thought?

Number one on the crush list but the room is no cleaner, no one is making me lunch, and I'm still at best the eighth 'Lauren Krueger' on Google . Ah well. So much for instant fame and admiration.

Filthy Tally

Buck ninety five! And much more Sharking to do...

Ode to Mini Shark

Petite and powerful.
The Envy of all the girls.
Sucking up dust like it's your job--
But wait, it is your job.
Who knew I shed so much?

I think I'm in Love

Number one on my inanimate object crush list of RIGHT THIS SECOND....

Mini Shark!

About to Commence Sharking

"Caution: The Hand Vacuum is a very powerful unit. Make sure that you hold it firmly, otherwise is can slip out of your hand and cause injury."

Blog Chat

I just added something called "blog chat" to the righthand side of the page. It's something IRC-ish, but I have never known what that is. Anyway, let me know if it does anything?

I BOUGHT A SHARK!!

(And tomorrow I'm going to vacuum everything humming the theme from Jaws.)

Filthy Tally

80! Almost enough for a 10-10-XXX phonecall!

Filthy Tally

Thus far, I have made .40 cleaning up my floor.

Does hanging out with Jim count as going to the gym?

Only if he makes me climb stairs, I know, I know.

What makes a tomato turn red?

Dirty jokes?

Hmm

Someone recently suggested (no, stated) that I was an unhappy person. Point taken, though I disagree. In any case, would I be happier if I wore a big set of tulle wings everywhere I went?

They certainly look happy.

Pet Peeve:

Elementary school teachers who can't spell.

Next stop, bacon flavored gum...

Crazy Dough was featuring Hot-Dog-Pizza for lunch today. That is: slices of hot dogs drizzled with ketchup, mustard, and blops of relish ON PIZZA . Was the boss out to lunch? Or was this some inspired genius? Beats me; I opted for tomato artichoke. Wussy, I know.

Further evidence

Eventhough The Spark told me I had an IQ of 124, clearly my mental age is hovering somewhere around three or four. How else to explain my hands being covered in pen day after day.

And I'm not talking about a smudge or two; it looks like I belong on Pen-Molokai.

Is it on my face too?!

Dear Dreamy in Philly,

Thanks for your prompt response.

I was under the impression that if I put that photo anywhere I would find myself in trubs. Thank you for the clarification and suggestions. Additionally, I was always taught to believe that drinking alone was a no-no, but if you say it's Kosher, it's cool by me.

Dave needs this computer, so I have to flee, but thanks again,
Single and Sort of Fed

Nothing's right, I'm torn

Am I ravenously hungry or violently ill? Feed or purge nothing? What a way to start the morning.

Also, people wearing bad perfume, that is, most perfume, should be put in glass boxes until their noses explode from the overpowering grossossity. Thank you.

Bob bob bob

Would it be wrong to admit that I am fascinated and infatuated with my own cheerleaderish ponytail when I walk down the street? It would be, wouldn't it.

Too soon!

I could have sworn I just saw some snowflakes.

Oddly enough, I'm dissappointed that I'm wrong.

Query:

Has anyone normal done speed dating?

Three times, durn it!

Steve's blog has crashed my computer 3 times! What's going on?!?

On a less sour note....

I passed by the tomato forest, as usual, on the way to work. Today, however, there was a man wearing suspenders, and carrying a bucket. As if any of the myriad tomatoes that were green yesterday would be red today. As if more than one would be red! Enough to merit A BUCKET! I love the optomism of the tomato farmer, and I wanted to salute him out loud, but figured he might catch on to my desire to steal his fruit, and somehow figure a way to foil me. Just one waver in my voice would give up the goat.

Goats. Heh.

Also, I was mesmerized by the grace and elegance of the cables below the elevator at Porter as the big metal box descended down its chute. Moments later, I was stunned by my own corniness, but seriously, it was lovely.

On to the next,
Lauren

My subconscious is braver than I am during the day

Dreamed last night of a reconciliation between myself and Element Productions, where I once interned. I was at some big, group meeting between the client and teams of producers and their assistant editors. I was sitting on the sidelines watching everyone take notes during a powerpoint presentation. I thought to myself "this is so dumb. There's nothing being done here that I can't do," and there wasn't. The producers were watching the low-key presentation and telling the assistant editors what to write down. The assistant editors would then write on big, yellow legal pads.
Eventually, someone came over to me, huffing and puffing, angry in the corner. He was a combination of Leif and Dave B. and I think he was a director. We talked for a while and he apologized for the weird way we parted company in the first place. I shrugged it off. He offered me many suggestions on what to do next, and how to get out of my job rut. I believed him.

So now I'm awake, and thinking that I feel OK about this, why not check out their website. Bad idea. Looks like the paid assistant editor position that opened up just after I left is a real thing, and that they're doing pretty well, if web sites are to be believed. I certainly hope they are doing well, although it still stings. I'm sure I'll be able to move past it once my baseball movie is produced, but there's a big obstacle to that happening, and that is the fact that I'm not writing it.

Further compounding my sense of uselessness is the fact that two people I'm working with are taking (and talking about) screenwriting classes. Good for them, really. But I'm jealous and territorial and neither of those things helps with writing. I'd love to get something done just to shove it in everyone else's faces, but everyone would probably be happy for me, and also it just won't happen. This baseball movie is such a great idea. It's something everyone who hears about wants to see. So what though? Is knowing this helping? No, it isn't.

I'm such a whiner. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Maybe when I find the patience pill they can throw in a shut-up serum and a butt-kicker. Maybe I can drink a productiveness smoothie with all of those admirable things thrown in as powdery add-ons that never quite blend in. Of course, it will have bananas in it, being a traditional smoothie, and I'll have to go to the hospital, but at least I'll be more pleasant.

PS

I ate a baked potato. It was not what I expected or wanted, but it was good.

This is not its picture. This is just a potato I found on Google.

Just call me Johnny One-Time

I hate repeating myself. I hate it! If cell phones weren't total crap, maybe they'd be worth something, but wandering around your house yelling "can you hear me now?" and not even in a fun ironic self-referential way is completely useless. I want all the minutes back that I spent saying "what?" or hearing someone perfectly well when they couldn't hear me.

Furthermore, if you don't hear what I said the first time, let's make us both happy; just make something up that was brilliant and clever and satisfying. Pretend I said exactly what you wanted me to say. Repeating the ridiculous thing you thought you heard only makes us both sound like jerks.

Additionally, there should be a little prerecorded message that comes along the line when the other phone runs out of batteries, right before it plunks you into oblivion. "We're sorry, but the cell phone you were previously connected to has run out of juice. Please remind your associate or friend to have more foresight in the future. Thank you for using AT&T". Or something. Anything. I thought Steve was offended because I made fun of a Canadian vegan. In order to avoid such misunderstandings in the future, an automated notice would be appreciated. Thanks.

And in conclusion, I miss face to face interaction. That way we can talk and watch TV. That way I have my hands free to eat the baked potato, rather than staring at it wistfully. The phone is for suckers. And anybody who didn't hear me the first time is out of luck.

Once again,
Lauren

Results to follow

I'm trying the all-pasta diet again. Not so much on purpose as by coincidence. Can one make oneself diabetic by consuming too much starch? Is tomato sauce enough lycopene to protect me from scurvy? Can I be a pirate if I get scurvy?

Can I quit my job if I'm a pirate? Do pirates eat pasta?

Arr!

Mmm!

Ugh...

Networking

Wow. Just being mentioned by Jim spiked my site considerably. Powerful, scary stuff.

Retail Fun

The prices are all on the stickers. I think we have a lot of illiterate customers. Is it more satisfying to ask me how much something costs than to read it yourself?

Gina thinks customers think we're magical and smart. Gosh I hope so.

Inflation

There's a dude outside the Harvard Square subway station charging "$1 to tell me off". I thought about calling his mother names and then demanding a dollar, but then it occurred to me that the price of telling a stranger off has really risen dramatically and without my noticing! I mean, wasn't it just yesterday that you could tell someone you didn't know off for .36 cents? What is this world coming to?

More bites? Or just old ones flaring up?

I continue to be itchy.

And awake. Someone come clobber me to sleep please.

More Panda-Z!

Take me to Japan RIGHT NOW!!!

And also:

The PANDA-Z!!!!

It's a panda (good) robot (bad) "controlled from inside its head by a tiny panda"!!!

"It's really much cuter than it is weird"

I NEED TO GET OUT OF THESE PANTS!!

It's time for bed, and once again I find myself hindered by this borrowed athletic belt that wraps 1.5 times around my waist/hip area. It's supposed to be fast and easy to tighten with one hand and hold your football pants up, but I'm obviously not smart or coordinated enough to free myself quickly. I'm grateful for a lot of things, but right now 'excellent bladder control' tops the list.

A night out?

I'm convinced, after grocery shopping and then eating pasta sauce out of a can with the InterWeb's own Jim Berlhe, that us single disastrous people need to have some sort of meal club/group grocery plan where none of us have to live together, but we all get to eat real meals that include vegetables and grains.

Jim's place is amazing... recently vacated by an Italian old man (who is hopefully zooming around the afterlife on a Vespa...surely he's not confined to the violent 7th level of hell) but chock full of the guy's stuff including books and slides and espresso machines. We ate some linguini and Hunt's Botulism Sausage Sauce on a table with no bottle of San Peligrino and drank Fanta (soon to be replaced, fittingly, by Orange Crush). Burp.

I'm willing to make the first meal, anyway, get the ball rolling. We can rent the VFW or something. How does lasagna or chili sound? Or chili lasagna? We can watch sad baseball games and thumb wrestle. And maybe save up for that decorative bottle of water, someday.

People who lie

are lame. Not people who lie for fun like me, but people who lie to take advantage, like this dude who's upstairs at the store right now trying to return something that he may or may not have bought here. There are clearly articulated return policies for a reason, pal. And your singing teddy bear has no tags and no receipt, and there's just no way that WordsWorth told you that it was ok to return something like that. Sorry Charlie. (But not all that sorry).

Neat how it happened on my lunch though...

What have I done?!?

Oh no!

Not moments after getting that offer for the discreet delivery of the Generic Viagra, my close friend Elna Mcellistrem has informed me (with the same graphic, nonetheless) that I can be getting my GV FOR FREE!!! Why pay when it's free? Indeed. If only I had not been in such a rush for my discreet delivery...

Elna Mcellistrem, by the way... Who makes up these names? I think I could do a lot better (see yesterday's entry about baby names that are also cheeses)

Discreet Delivery

Try it, you'll like it!

Do it now, lkrueger!

Up until now I had been turning down Generic Viagra offers left and right, but this morning, an e-missive arrived from my close personal friend Marilyn Chummun promising that it would be delivered discreetly. I hadn't realised until this moment that the only thing keeping me from Generic Viagra and all it has to offer was the potential for the neighbors to find out. Now I feel like I've learned something about myself, and my Generic Viagra is on the way. Thank you Marilyn Chummun.

Hello from Acton

Well, I'm out at the folks' place doing a (insert favorite large thing) load of laundry. I'm convinced there is something in my room that needs to leave my room and stop biting me. Whether or not laundry will accomplish this, I do not know.

I wanted to thank again, eventhough I'm sure she'll never read this, the kind woman at Ben & Jerry's who re-scooped an ice cream for me after I dumped mine on the ground. I was in the middle of explaining to Gina about how no one should have to hold their ice cream until after they are finished with the money transaction. And then, poomph, it was on the floor of the Garage Mall. But by the time I got back from throwing out my dirty scoop, the woman at the counter had made me another. There truly is some goodness in the world.

Baby fever fun...name that baby!

Gina's sister is potentially one day pregnant. Or not. But evidently they're talking about baby names, and Mr. Gina's Sister wants it to be called "Gouda" because baby gouda is so cute. I won't even bring up that most people shouldn't be allowed to have babies, instead, here's a list of potentially better cheese names for the unborn child:

Fontina (can be called "Tina" for short)
Feta
Colby (I know a Colby, and she's rad)
Monchego ("Che")
Jack (or Pepper Jack)
Monterey ("Terry", "Rey", and covering both bases of naming a child after cheese and a pretentious location)
Chevre
Asiago
Edam
Romano
Spreadable Port Wine Cheddar
Muenster
Lindberger (not to be confused with the poor, unfortunate Lindbergh baby who disappeared)
and
Velveeta

Sneezin' and itchin'

Something is biting me and I can't stop sneezing. Fall is the prettiest, stupidest month.

Oh dear.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

The 7th level?! I can't believe it. Or, maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

When grape tomatoes are good

they are very very good. And when they are bad they are rotten.

Some thoughts on food.

I haven't eaten yet.

My plan was to wake up around 1030, go to the gym, and then meet someone for lunch around 12 or 1. Instead, I got up around 12, went to the gym, and now my lunch date (all lunch, no date) says that Springsteen-related traffic will probably delay him until 3.

At the gym, I was subjected to what must be someone's idea of a practical joke. Two TVs on separate frequencies showing Jessica Simpson and Nick BoyBand and their weird attempt at marriage and being adults. One TV on Discovery Kids, but it was time for Croc Files, not Kenny the Shark. And the other TV was set to some channel that was devoting its programming to fine cooking and food prep. That's right... as we were pumping away on stair steppers and treadmills and The Gauntlet, above our heads, people were chopping and slicing and devouring cakes, pastries, and pork chops.

Looking around, nobody seemed to mind. Perhaps my empowered-woman fitness center is immune to beautiful beckoning foodstuffs. Or maybe it was motivation. Or maybe, like the in-your-face nudity of the locker room, we were showing our strength and courage. See, I can work out and look at eclairs! Profiteroles don't tempt me! I am the Queen of the Eliptical Machine!!!

My other thought was that all these ladies are so crazy and so fitness-minded that looking at food is the only nourishment they get. Watching Eat TV while working out fills some need that in real people would be filled with consuming food at some point.

But not me, not yet.

On the way to the gym, I noticed that the tomato plants at the neighbors have morphed into a tomato forest. Most of the fruits are green and humongous. I think I want to live there. I mean, if I'm not going to have cable anyway, I may as well live in a tomato forest, right?

On the way home from the gym, I wasn't hungry until I saw a woman sitting on a bike, eating a banana. She had elbow pads on. I couldn't tell you anything else about her or the bike, but I wanted to snatch the banana out of her hands and devour it. Please keep in mind that I haven't (knowingly) eaten a banana since 1998 and that they make my throat swell and breathing difficult. But I WANTED it. Weird.

I'm going to go get a glass of water.

It's about time

Actually, it's about the alphabet... and at last, a decent representation for the letter X!

None of this xylophone crap or X-Mas garbage. In this book, each letter has a personality, and little X is xeonophobic! He/she dislikes EVERYONE! How lovable!

There's another alphabet book that's fairly good, with nice illustrations and an interesting overall concept.

But even after looking up 'xystus' I can't quite decide what it means. There does seem to be a Dutch metal band with the same name.

And of course, my perrenial favorite: What Pete Ate from A-Z: Where We Explore the English Alphabet (In Its Entirety) in Which a Certain Dog Devours a Myraid of Items Which He Should Not.

Although I don't remember what Pete ate for X, and it was probably a xylophone. Oh well.

And another...

(although, to be fair, I always thought it was "pants" rather than "pence", which is much funnier)

I've got sixpence
Jolly. jolly sixpence
I've got sixpence to last me all my life
I've got twopence to spend
And twopence to lend
And twopence to send home to my wife-poor wife.

Chorus:
No cares have I to grieve me
No pretty little girls to deceive me
I'm happy as a lark believe me
As we go rolling, rolling home
Rolling home (rolling home)
Rolling home (rolling home)
By the light of the silvery moo-oo-on
Happy is the day when we line up for our pay
As we go rolling, rolling home.

I've got fourpence
Jolly, jolly fourpence
I've got fourpence to last me all my life
I've got twopence to spend
And twopence to lend
And no pence to send home to my wife-poor wife.

I've got twopence
Jolly, jolly twopence
I've got twopence to last me all my life
I've got twopence to spend
And no pence to lend
And no pence to send home to my wife-poor wife.

I've got no pence
Jolly. jolly no pence
I've got no pence to last me all my life
I've got no pence to spend
And no pence to lend
And no pence to send home to my wife-poor wife.

Just when you didn't know who to trust:

Thank goodness for Britney Spears...
"Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that."

click here for the full article

Is it any wonder I have sleep issues?

Really.

Or maybe I'd do better if someone were singing to me now. Sigh.

This one, from mom:

A white sports coat and a pink carnation
I'm all dressed up for the dance
A white sports coat and a pink carnation
I'm all alone in romance

Once you told me long ago
To the prom with me you'd go
Now you've changed your mind it seems
Someone else will hold my dreams

A white sports coat and a pink carnation
I'm in a blue blue mood.

I'm all dressed up for the dance
I'm all alone in romance

Once you told me long ago
To the prom with me you'd go
Now you've changed your mind it seems
Someone else will hold my dreams

A white sports coat and a pink carnation
I'm in a blue blue mood.

My own personal lullaby (and then...off to bed!)

Rubber Duckie, you're the one You make bath time lots of fun Rubber Duckie, I'm awfully fond of you Vo, vo dee-oh Rubber Duckie, joy of joys When I squeeze you, you make noise Rubber Duckie, you're my very best friend it's true Oh, ev'ry d

Rubber Duckie, you're the one
You make bath time lots of fun
Rubber Duckie, I'm awfully fond of you
Vo, vo dee-oh

Rubber Duckie, joy of joys
When I squeeze you, you make noise
Rubber Duckie, you're my very best friend it's true

Oh, ev'ry day when I make my way to the tubby
I find a little fellow who's cute and yellow and chubby
Rub-a-dub-dubby

Rubber Duckie, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber Duckie I'm awfully fond of you

Rubber Duckie I'm awfully fond of
Rubber Duckie I'd like a whole pond of
Rubber Duckie, I'm awfully fond of you

(SQUEAK SQUEAK!)

A lullaby my dad used to sing:

There is a tavern in the town (in the town)
And there my true love sits him down (sits him down)
I'll hang my heart on a weeping willow tree and never ever think of thee (think of thee).

Fare the well for I must leave thee
Do not let the parting grieve thee
but remember that the best of friends must part, must part.

Adieu, adieu kind friends, adieu.
I can no longer stay with you, stay with you
Hang my hat upon the willow tree and never, never think of me.

Further reassuring information:

Brian.. yes i know there's a typo...


Which Family Guy Character Are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Solidly #3

No movement on the Crush List... now I can sleep.

Thanks Jim.

In 1000 words or less, describe how posting to your blog is like a warm glass of milk

I can't sleep.

I have worn out both sides of many pillows, exploiting the coolness that can only be found on the bottom. My radio is mumbling quiet hip hop from the MIT radio station (or maybe it's Harvard, I don't care). It's late and I'm preoccupied, thinking about the day, and what happened and what didn't and what I need to do tomorrow.

Somehow, mentioning Josh Green in a post the other day made him call me. That's especially weird considering I don't think he's aware of the InterWeb. Who else can I conjure up? Ari Missry? Benji Rapaport? Owen Tripp? Todd Quackenbush?!!

Well that's asking for Google trouble. Did I really just leave those names there? How brave! How stupid! How utterly tired I am!

In other strange person sightings, I got what must sort of be spam from someone else I haven't thought of in (quick count on fingers...) 7 years. Or maybe I was googled and intentionally sent this email, I don't know, but I have been lying in bed for the past several hours hoping he will write back and it will have been a coincidence, and we'll have a happy but consequence free e-mail reunion.

Tomorrow is Crush List Friday. What does it all mean?

I have to write back to my cousin at Brandeis. I should write to her sisters as well. Who else do I owe email to?

Should I pursue the people who didn't hire me with suggestions for projects that they should outsource to me? I hear all sorts of family and friend voices in my head saying "the worst they can do is say no" but I know it can be much worse than that.

Is weight loss really as simple as burning more calories than you take in? Is it possible?

Can I write a sestina? Should I write my beginnings down right now so that I don't forget them in the morning? Would it be better to forget them in the morning?

It's hot in here. I have all my blankets on the bed and no fans on. Last night and the night before it was cold. Will it be worth it to peel back the comforter or will I settle for keeping most of my legs outside the blankets?

Am I more or less likely to fall asleep if I stay in bed thinking about these things or post them?

That salmon I made for dinner was pretty good. How would it have been better? Do I need to reseason my pan? How do I go about doing that? Forget it, this will never happen.

I wish Steve had a secret phone line that didn't ring anywhere else in the house. Or that I wasn't afraid of the phone in general.

Too bad I have to work tomorrow. I wonder how Nicole will do as manager. I fully intend to be as unhelpful as possible. I wonder if she'll put me downstairs. I hope I'm downstairs all day.

Crud, I sure didn't do laundry like I meant to. I did go to the gym, but who cares? I wonder if they keep track at the gym of how many times you come in? It would be easy enough, but why bother?

What can I do to make myself fall asleep? I'm sure the answers are not to be found sitting in this chair, at this angle, typing and looking into a bright screen. Oh well.

Good night.

STOP IT!!

The people upstairs are either:

*elephants
*nailing something into the ceiling (their floor)
*in trouble and are attempting to seek help by repeatedly pounding on the ceiling (their floor)
*learning to tap dance (and THEY SUCK AT IT)
*harboring a giant
*juggling a bowling ball, a watermelon, and a typewriter

for the last twenty minutes at least.

Remind me:

Next time, we are going here Pat's: King of Steaks.

FORTUNATELY

...TV is back

UNFORTUNATELY

...it isn't in my room.

Can that happen? Is there some way I can have a little cable node coming out of the wall and NOT be getting cable? Will this involve a splitter? Didn't I major in this crap?

Crud.

I'm going to stop making plans. That way, things can't not work out, because there will have been no expectation. No longer will I suffer from disappointment. I recognize that this little declaration is itself a plan, but bear with me.

Also, all you Lauren doubters should seriously shut up for a little while. I have been on two actual job interviews in the last 2 weeks and fielded several job related phone calls. And none of it works.

bored

bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored

and lonely
and sad

Waiting...

The only channel we get right now is NBC, and it's one o'clock, so what could I do but turn on "Days of our Lives"? It's been months, I think, and everything and nothing is different. Tony and Marlena still think the twins are their children, but Shawn and Belle are making breakfast together? Everyone is hallucinating about Tom Horton?!?! If I were smarter, I would shut this crap off RIGHT NOW and never look back. But I won't. Help!

Just for the record...

This steak & cheese made by my friend Raffi at Leo's is just every bit as good as those steak 'n' cheeses in Philadelphia.

Things to invent later, when I have the time

Writing memos on my skin would be a lot more effective and appealing if the ink only lasted until I did the task I was being reminded to do.

Fatal Flaw

Looking through those HotJobs again. Why is 'unpaid' the first thing that catches my eye?

Make me over!

The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was pretty great. Too bad I don't have TV all the time. Too bad they showed live clams and people eating shellfish. Ew. Pretty sure I didn't learn anything helpful, but I guess it wasn't for me. Delia pointed out that a version for girls probably wouldn't work that well.

And somehow, on the busride to the T, my sense of smell has become sharper than ever. It's awful. The guy two seats away smelled like cigarettes and pipe smoke. The air like maple syrup. Every little person and thing anywhere near me smelled and smelled intensely and bad. I almost couldn't contain my shellfish.

And...

The tomato I have been coveting at the neighbor's has been harvested. Or at least disappeared. I hope someone enjoyed it.

I'm back

Oh Philadelphia International Airport... I thought you might have improved since many years ago when everything was under construction and the only thing to eat looked like barf in a boule. Today I learned I was wrong. Perhaps, I thought, waiting for an hour because the bad signage led my ride to wait in the wrong terminal was a charming fluke. No, it wasn't. There are huge lines everywhere, and no line management. Ten different options for where to check in, and all of them slightly different in who is allowed to do what. Two separate lines (first class and other) to go through security. "I guess the first class passengers paid more taxes," grumbled a man behind me, as we stood waiting, blocking the escalators and being yelled at for cooperating.

I did find the best deal in the airport though: at Philadelphia's bends and twists, a pretzel wagon near gate B8, you can get two (2) stale pretzels for $1.25. Mmmmm.

But otherwise the trip was fantastic. I ate well: 2 cheese steaks (good, but not superior to what you can get at Leo's), most of a half gallon of chocolate marshmallow ice cream, many meat products and several varieties of chicken. The company was unbeatable. And I walked more than most people will walk in a year.

I have yet to visit the garden. I wonder if asking my roommates to water the plants also implied they should pick whatever was ripe. I bet they didn't make the leap. Shudder.

Still nearly one third fat,
Lauren K

Ugh

So according to the Oregon Scientific fat measurer, I'm 29.4% fat. No wonder I can't sink.